MY DOG SOMETIMES EATS FROM THE GARBAGE. BUT SO DO A FEW OTHER PEOPLE I KNOW…

I often get the question:  “Why do I keep getting in or staying in bad relationships?”

Let me share some insight that may help some of you…

If a person is given a choice between eating nourishing food from a clean table or eating from a garbage can, they will choose to eat from the table.  If a person is given the choice between eating from the garbage or eating nothing at all, guess what?  The innate desire for nutrition and survival will force even the pickiest eater to dig through the garbage for food.

Companionship is no different.  We require companionship.  It provides emotional and spiritual nutrition to our body and soul.  And if the only choice we give ourselves is a bad relationship or no relationship at all, we’ll almost always take the relationship over loneliness in an attempt to satisfy the hunger for love and acceptance.  

 While in counseling, I observed that the two reasons most people stayed in abusive relationships with themselves and others were:

1) They didn’t believe they deserved better.

2) The abusive relationship at least filled a need that the loneliness didn’t.  (Companionship and/or escape)

Don't get me wrong.  There is nutrition to be found in the garbage can just as there is companionship to be found in abusive relationships. But don’t turn these places of last resort into your only option for emotional, spiritual, and physical nourishment.

So why do people get into bad relationships?

What happens if only time you go to the supermarket to shop is when you’re extremely hungry?  The answer?  You don’t make smart decisions. 

What happens if the only time you search for companionship is when you’re extremely lonely?

The answer?  You don’t make smart decisions. 

What are a few things you can do while searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right?

·        Get socially involved. I’ve met a lot of people just from participating in local 5k races.  I would not have met those people if I only ran on my treadmill in my home.    

·        Volunteer.  There are people who need your compassion and time.

·        Take care of your physical health.  This is vital in regards to improving self-worth.

·        Have a lunch date with a friend at least 2 times a month.  It gives you something to look forward to and an outlet from your daily routine.

·        Get involved in community projects.

·        Meet with a trusted counselor or life coach.  Asking for help is not admitting weakness.

·        Read, read, and read some more!  Reading changes how your mind works and how you solve problems.  The next book you read may contain the key that unlocks the answers you’re looking for.

·        Trust your instinct.  It will notice things you don’t.  For example, if your instinct is warning you that going on date #2 with someone may not be the best thing for you, don’t go on date #2 simply because you have nothing else to do!

·        Love yourself.  Even in today’s world, the age old statement of “Until you love yourself, you can’t love anyone else” is as true as ever. 

 I believe our social relationships are a good indicator of the value we place on ourselves.  And this value is what determines if we choose to sit at the table to fulfill our emotional and spiritual needs or if we dig through the garbage for it...

WINNERS ARE THE BEST QUITTERS!

“I know I’ll win because I don’t quit!”

     But here is where most people misunderstand the idea of quitting and misinterpret statements like, “A winner never quits!” 

     There is no reason to keep putting your energy into something that isn’t working.  Personally, I’ve learned that the only time I’m “quitting” is when I’m not pursuing and fulfilling the purpose of my life.  And while I know I will occasionally take the wrong path while trying to reach my goals,  I’ve also learned that continuing down the wrong path after I’ve figured out it’s the wrong path….. Well that’s just a waste of time and energy!  

     Don’t confuse changing directions to reach your goals as quitting on your goals all together.  Whether you’re looking for a new career that lines up with your passions, new relationships, new places to live, new schools, new ways to save money, or new ways to develop your dreams, you’ve got to quit what isn’t working on occasion so you can refocus your energy and time into a new approach.  Remember, the caterpillar had to quit being a caterpillar before it could become a butterfly.    

     Successful people know when to quit something that isn’t working and refocus their energy on a new path.  They understand that success is created by using the trial and error approach while not losing focus on discovering and fulfilling their overall purpose.    

Are you a quitter? 

Maybe you should be...         

“The first thing most people need to quit is to quit believing that the only path offered to them is the only path available.”

 Chadrick Black

AN OVERWEIGHT NEIGHBOR TOLD MY DRUG ADDICT COUSIN THAT A FRIEND, WHILE FILING FOR BANKRUPTCY AT THE COURTHOUSE, OVERHEARD THE RACIST MAILMAN TELLING THE RECENTLY DIVORCED ATTORNEY AND HIS CHILD-NEGLECTING CLIENT THAT GOD DOESN’T LOVE GAY PEOPLE.

     By nature, I’m an observer.  It’s just what I do.  And when I worked in drug rehab years ago, there was a phenomenon I often observed concerning the interactions between many of the participants in the program – connections that usually occurred while outside sharing a smoke together or during break, sharing a smoke together or after the meeting, well….. sharing a smoke together. 

     FYI:  Most recovering drug addicts smoke.  A lot.

     But as they stood outside, turning the entrance of the clinic or any other place they chose to gather into something that resembled a smoke-filled rock concert, less the rock, I never observed them criticizing or judging one another for being a drug addict.  And I never recall receiving a complaint that a drug addict criticized another drug addict for being a drug addict.  Overall, they were pretty accepting of each other’s faults, mistakes, and for the most part, were supportive of each other’s recovery.

     Over the years, I’ve often observed this phenomenon with other support groups and lifestyles as well.  Here are a few examples:   

 • I’ve observed that people who attend Weight Watchers are rarely, if ever, criticized or judged for being obese by other people in the group.  I’ve yet to know of a Weight Watchers group that singles out a member, labels them the “fat kid”, and then uses part of the meeting to make fun of them. 

• I’ve observed that gay couples are rarely critical or judgmental of other gay couples. 

• I’ve observed that someone who can’t read or write doesn’t get made fun of by others who can’t read or write.

• I’ve observed that someone who has been to prison usually doesn’t look down on someone who is in prison. 

• I’ve observed that someone who is going through a divorce usually isn’t judged by someone who has been through a divorce.

• I’ve observed that someone who is having a child out of wedlock usually isn’t judged by someone who had a child out of wedlock.

• I’ve observed that someone who gets fired or laid off usually isn’t judged by someone who has been fired or laid off before. 

• I’ve observed that someone who is experiencing the shame associated with filing for bankruptcy usually isn’t judged or criticized by others who also had financial troubles in the past.

• I’ve observed that someone who has to sign up for government assistance usually isn’t judged by someone who was once on government assistance.

• I’ve observed that the homeless rarely judge other people who are homeless.

• I’ve observed that talking about someone who is being cheated on usually isn’t a form of entertainment enjoyed by others who have been cheated on.

     When I reflect on all of the observations listed above, I’m reminded that many people reading this:

1) Know how it feels to be judged, criticized, or made fun of by another group or person. 

 2) Will, at some point in life, become the target of someone else’s hate and fear. 

3) If I continued to list choices, mistakes and challenges, I would eventually list something that everyone would relate to – a poor choice, a mistake, a challenge, or a lifestyle that isn’t accepted by another group or person.  Why? Because nobody’s perfect. 

      When you look at the observations I listed, which one of these “problems with society” are you going to fix?  Which one are you going to attack?  Which one are you being told by church leaders and political figures to fight?  How many lifestyles, mistakes, poor choices, or challenges need to change in order to make the world around you feel more “ideal”?  How many of these things challenge your religious beliefs, your social beliefs, your family beliefs or your personal beliefs?  Which ones make you uncomfortable?  Which ones make you afraid?  Which ones make you angry?   

     You know, You can spend your whole life preaching against the wrongs of others and the world– the poor choices made – the lifestyles you don’t agree with – the poor habits other’s practice.  You can fight from morning to night, holding tight to the belief that the only way to be is your way!

Or…..

     You can just choose to love people.  You can choose to show compassion.  You can choose to be respectful.  You can choose to start each day by saying, “I treat others, not based on who they are and how they choose to live, but based on who I am and who I have been instructed to be…”

     Folks, being happy, when you get down to it, really isn’t that hard.  It only gets hard when we get in the business of judging another’s decisions, lifestyles or mistakes. It only gets hard when we begin telling others how to be happy; how they’re 100% wrong and how you’re 100% right.  It gets hard when we neglect our own growth, challenges and families and begin putting our energy and time in attacking others who, in reality, may have never displayed any aggression towards us.  It becomes hard when we stop loving and start judging those who may not see things exactly the way we see them. 

     On the contrary, the best way to find happiness is to observe, from time to time, how someone treats people who have traveled the same road they’ve traveled.  Ever notice, when you’ve “walked a mile in their shoes”, how easy it is to look past lifestyles and mistakes and see a real person who cries and laughs and dreams and hopes? 

     But you don’t have to walk a mile in another’s shoes before you choose to respect and love them.  You just have to follow the example of the one who came to earth to teach us how we should treat each other. 

     I guess the best thing I’ve learned from observing and opening my life to others is that, many times, I never speak of what I believe.  I don’t have to.  I just let my actions and how I treat them to the talking...   

Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:13

THE GUY TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GOING TO HELL, JESUS IS COMING BACK SOON AND THAT THE MAYAN CALENDER IS COUNTING DOWN FAST! (AND THEN HE SOLD ME A 30-YEAR MORTGAGE, SIGNED ME UP FOR A 401-K AND INSISTED THAT I START A COLLEGE FUND FOR MY THREE-YEAR-OLD...)

I always find the story funny of the early 1900’s preacher who was so convinced the world would soon end and that Jesus’ return was just around the corner that he spent months ordering his congregation to get their personal affairs in order. Fear and panic swept through the members of the church as they became convinced that the wickedness of the world had peaked and God was calling his children home! The fear paralyzed their lives and for months, placed them in a constant state of waiting. (And you thought having to wait an hour in your Doctor’s office is distressing!)  

     Nevertheless, when some of the members of the congregation noticed the preacher planting his garden the next spring, their fears were quickly eased and they realized that the end may not be as close as they once believed…

     Throughout history, there have always been groups and individuals like these – a segment of the population that uses current topics and social issues to convince themselves and others that they’re probably the last generation on earth. (I guess eventually a generation has to be right and will have the privilege of doling out the most ultimate “I told you so!” in history.) 

     These groups and individuals relentlessly look for evidence that strengthens their “sign of the times” theories – any news story that provides any indication that mankind has hit an all-time low – that the present time is the worst it has ever been and getting worse by the day – that the wickedness of the world has hit catastrophic levels! 

     For example, a modern argument some are using to support our current “fall from grace” is often brought up to me – a topic discussed in Christian circles and organizations – a few decades old platform that many political leaders and members of the Christian faith alike speak passionately on when confronted with and believe it’s one of the larger issues faced in current American culture.  And this debate is usually started with a phrase along the lines of,

“Many of today’s problems began when they kicked God out of our public schools!”

I know he isn’t about to address that? 

Yes.  Yes I am…

     But to begin, let me step on this slippery slope feet first by sharing that, in 1821, the first American high school was opened in Boston.  In 1856, the first kindergarten was opened in Wisconsin.  I share those facts to remind you that the current public education system really isn’t that old based on world history and Jesus didn’t actually attend some school called Valley High and letter in track and field.  (They wanted him to try out for the swim team but he kept “walking” all over the competition!  Sorry, I couldn’t resist.  It’s just how my mind thinks…)

     Continuing on with what I just shared about the history of the education system, the “When we took God out of our schools our country began falling apart!” argument probably wasn’t much of a topic on telegraph lines (the original Facebook), church meetings, and mailings before 1821 as, prior to that date (and long after that period for most of the country) much of a child’s education came from home as did their knowledge of God and the Bible.  It was a period in history when educating your own child was a way of life and soccer moms placed “My child is an honor student at Home School High” bumper stickers on their buggies and wagons and every kid usually finished top of the class. (The parent/teacher conference had to be pretty boring though.) 

     Nevertheless, I feel any pre-1821 parent you meet would look at you as though you were a three-eyed toad and not understand what in the world 2012 parents are so angry about when we’re raging how God has been removed from public school!  I imagine the conversation to go something along these lines:

 Pre-1821 Parent: “Oh, so you can’t teach about God or the Bible in your home in the year 2012?”

“That’s not a problem,” you respond.  “I can teach about God and the Bible at home all I want! 

“I can teach it in the park!

I can teach it in the dark!

I can teach it while I plan!

I can teach it while standing in sand!

I can teach it while washing clothes!

I can teach it while using a watering hose!

I can teach it while running around town!

I can even teach it dressed like a clown!

I can teach it while the weather is sunny!

I can teach it even if I have no money!

But I do not like the “Keeping God out of school” sham!

I do not like it, a mad parent I am!”

(Okay, so most parents don’t speak as though they’re reciting a Dr. Seuss story.  But wouldn’t it make your next parent/teacher conference more interesting?)

“I guess I’m confused,” the pre-1821 parent responds.

“What are you confused about?” you respond.

 “I guess I’m confused as to what time in history did teaching about God and the Bible become the school’s responsibility and no longer the parent’s responsibility?  You have the freedom to teach it any time you choose and yet you’re upset that the school isn’t doing the job you, as a parent, were given responsibility for?” 

That response just makes you mad and you fire back,

“You don’t get it!  They took Him out of the school system and they’re even trying to say that He doesn’t exist!  What’s going to become of our children if the public schools don’t teach about God?”

The pre-1921 parent responds,

“How does your public school system’s acknowledgment or lack of acknowledgment change God’s existence?  Besides, if God is being shared at home with your children, how can they really keep Him out of school?  An institution like the public school system you speak of can’t prevent children from taking God to school no more than they can prevent a child from breathing while at school.  I’m not sure why you’re so fearful of this public school system you speak of but I do envy you...”

“ENVY ME???  WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU ENVY ME?????”

“I see an opportunity you have with your children that I don’t have.  I’ve never had a place like the public school system to send my children to – a place that was willing to educate them in matters of math, science, reading and writing.  But if I had a public school system like you speak of to help with those lessons, I could then focus more on Biblical teachings about character, integrity and love at home – lessons to plant in their heart and help guide them while they pursue their worldly education from the public school system.  Wow, what a privilege you’ve been given!”

     WOW!  

     Is that a different way to look at this debate and a side you may have never seen?

     But why do you never see that argument from many current religious and political leaders? 

     You know, when you remove fear and anger, you begin seeing opportunity and blessings.  But ultimately, you see God’s love and a chance to share more of it with your children.  Suddenly, life and the world around you begin to look different.

     However, if you’re following leaders and special-interest groups that spend half their time and money making you afraid and the other half of their time and money telling you who you should blame for those fears, you’re going to always live in a constant state of either fear or anger.  And, from my experience, the state you live in (either fear or anger) is probably going to be the state that best serves another’s agenda at that particular time or for that particular issue.

     As a Christian, I may personally believe that it is important to teach Biblical principles in public school.  But becoming angry about it and blaming current leaders and cultural shifts in society doesn’t excuse me from my responsibility of teaching those same Biblical principles at home.  And I believe that any home that nurtures a child using God’s love and teachings creates a child who will take God with them wherever they go (including public school) as well as form a child who will understand how to accept and love others without criticizing and degrading those at school who may not be exactly like them.  (Think about the current issue of bullying.)  

     Besides, Jesus didn’t hang out with church deacons and preachers all the time. He hung out with regular folks who had more problems than you could shake a stick at!  Folks like you and me.  Folks who can play Usher and Def Leppard on the way to church and also hit every note of Amazing Grace while in the choir.  Folks who find reason to swear on occasion and then find forgiveness as they laugh at the situation and realize swearing didn’t actually improve the situation.  Folks who don’t act like they’re perfect by no means but know that they’re loved unconditionally regardless of their imperfections.   

     And that’s what it’s about.  When you look at things from a perspective of personal responsibility, love, and acceptance, you begin seeing opportunities and blessings instead of obstacles and challenges.  You stop seeing the world as “going to hell in a hand basket” and “coming to an end” and start seeing the world (and your life) as a gift.   

     As Wayne Dyer shared, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” 

     The only thing I can promise is, the world didn’t end today, Jesus didn’t come back and the Mayan calendar still has a few months left. 

     And as for tomorrow, I don’t have a clue. 

     But that makes my prediction as good as anyone else’s…

I LOVE MY NEW PET! I WATCH HIM, CLEAN HIM, SPEND HOURS EVERY DAY WITH HIM, EVEN TAKE HIM FOR RIDES IN THE CAR SOMETIMES! WHAT IS HIS NAME? HIS NAME IS MR. TELEVISION… (TV for short)

“Have no fear!!!  With current issues of panic and uncertainty running wild, at least we have our televisions to comfort us and make everything all better!”

     The amount of sarcasm holding the above statement together is probably thick enough to spread on toast…

     If you have not figured it out yet, current news agencies realize the easiest way to prop up shaky ratings is with “shock and awe” news, whereas the more fear and anxiety they produce, the better the ratings.  It usually goes something along these lines:    

”Coming up on Channel 5 news, exclusive new details of three murders that took place just minutes ago 12,000 miles away from your front door and why your dogs, children and drinking water may now be in danger!  Also, we’ll talk about the new threats of walking and breathing at the same time and how that combination could eventually lead to death.  And in our ‘Parenting Segment’, we’ll look at a just completed ten year study by Harvard University involving M&M’s, your cat’s bowel movement schedule, and how the number of times your child says the word ‘gobbledygook’ before age twelve could predict his or her chances of becoming President one day…”

“And remember, Channel 5 News is now sponsored in part by McDonalds. So make sure to grab a value meal (Don’t forget to supersize that sucker!) as you pay $16.00 a gallon for gas and live in constant fear that you’ll be laid off ever since  we shared findings from our financial expert (who also happens to be our janitor at the news station) indicating your job is in jeopardy.  Therefore, sit back in your lazy boy recliner, inhale those fries, nuggets and burgers, take a gulp from that soda cup big enough to take a bath in and get ready to surf the waves of depression we’ll be throwing at ya!”

“Don’t forget. At Channel 5 news, we do the thinkin for you so you don’t have to!”

     So what’s the solution?  Should we all buy a gun, lock the doors, drop to our knees in constant prayer, talk about the good ole days and how the world used to make sense, tell everyone we love’em and then get ready kiss our butt goodbye, knowing that all hell may break loose at any given moment? 

     Or……..

     Do we choose to have faith? 

     I’m often reminded how the Bible teaches us and encourages us to “not be afraid” hundreds of times and yet so many of us, (thanks to 24-hour news coverage ranging from The Middle East, to the financial crash, to the Kardashian’s newest $25,000 rare goldfish imported from an island that the Pentagon can’t even locate), go through our days with that “deer in headlights” look. 

     On the contrary, it appears that Hollywood could put out a headline that reads, “Wearing a shovel on your head is all the rage!” and there would probably be a riot at every Lowes and Home Depot between L.A and New York.  (But don’t worry, Channel 5 news would provide full coverage of the riots, explain why you should be afraid, and eventually decide who you should blame...) 

     I guess it’s hard to hear the quiet voice in our hearts whispering to have faith in the good things when someone is always shouting from an electrical box mounted on every wall in our home, “BUY THIS AND YOU’LL NEVER FEEL SAFER OR HAPPIER!  AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE’LL SEND YOU TWO FOR TWICE THE PRICE!  BUT HURRY, WE’VE ONLY GOT 5 LEFT AND YOUR NEIGHBOR IS ON THE PHONE ORDERING 3 OF THOSE!!!!”

     We should ask ourselves:  Why do we think that knowing every possible bit of information we can squeeze into our day is going to make our days better?  Do we not already have enough to focus on? 

     Now I’m not saying we should forget about pursuing truth and knowledge and go through life walking around with our head in a bucket of sand.  (There are too many of those in Washington D.C. who do that now.) What I am saying is that it’s foolish to think that overloading your plate with the “all you can eat” buffet served 24/7 by news agencies like CNN, FOX, or NBC is going to actually improve your life and keep your goldfish safe.

     Starting now, you can spend the rest of your life living in a state of doubt and fear, discussing with your friends on Facebook about the recent story Channel 5 News shared about how someone living in “couldn’t find it on a map if we tried” was recently denied service at Starbucks because their religious practice of running around naked with chicken feathers glued to their body and dancing to Funky Cold Media in the parking lot was, based on the lawsuit filed for $20,000,000,000 by their attorney, clearly an attack on religious rights in this country and proof that the end time is near!!!  

     Or you can choose to have some faith that everything may actually be okay.  Have some faith that God really does have your best interest in mind.  Have some faith in yourself.  Have some faith in the goodness of people.  Have some faith in your children.  Have some faith that you don’t have to know all the answers to be happy.  Have some faith that the sun will rise tomorrow.  Have some faith that mankind will continue to create remarkable music and art and demonstrate unbelievable acts of love and kindness towards each other.  Have faith in the power of the family unit (however you define “family unit”) and remember that change truly does begin at home.  

     If the news has you feeling so down and out that you’re considering hanging out with the in-laws for a day to help improve your mood, it may be time to turn off the television and listen to the voice in your heart - a voice that isn’t trying to sell you anything or trying to make you afraid.  It’s just reminding you to have a little faith in the good things in life and to enjoy the blessings around you.

     As David Jeremiah recently shared, “During this life, we’re not promised that the flight won’t be a little bumpy and have some turbulence, we’re only promised a safe landing.”

     And that pretty much sums it up.  Most news agencies and television stations build ratings by constantly keeping the bumps and turbulence of life at the forefront of our attention.  But you’ll find there is so much more to your life than bumps and turbulence when you decide to turn the television off – good parts of your life that you may be overlooking.

    You just have to have a little faith…

    

       

I HATE YOUR GUTS!!!!! (please don't leave me...)

  I’m asked on occasion to share my thoughts on dealing with difficult relationships, emotionally abusive relationships, controlling relationships or those relationships that want to keep you “boxed” into their ideas and expectations of who you should be or what you should be doing with life. 

     So how do you address those relationships without it turning into an episode of Jerry Springer?

•The important first step is to not begin a tough discussion while you’re emotional.  This may sound strange, but you can plan to meet and discuss it at a park, a favorite restaurant, any place that doesn’t have sharp knives and weapons, or a secluded location where you’re tempted to take a shovel with you and bury the evidence.  Basically, pick a safe place and neutual site. 

•Do not start the meeting with “Do you know why I wanted us to meet today?”  No one likes to be surprised and everyone is going to get defensive if they feel they’re being attacked without notice.  The way that approach always comes across is that you’ve taken all the time you need to build your case and now expect the other person to respond within 60 seconds!

•Consider opening a channel of communication by expressing something along the lines of, “Could you meet me at the park next Tuesday around 4pm?  I would like to get your thoughts on our relationship as well as share some feelings I’m struggling with that I hope you can help me with.  Would you be willing to meet me?”  That statement is safe, non-blaming, and demonstrates that you do care about the relationship.

•While working in counseling, I would share that even if you’re dating or married to the biggest jerk in the world, even if your parents are so controlling that they treat you like a television and they're holding the remote, constantly trying to change you to make them happy, even if siblings have more in common with Satan than you; you’re still a part of the problem.  “What?  They’re the jerks and it’s my fault!”  In some sense, yes.  They’re only jerks because you allow them to be.  They only control because you allow them to control.  They only abuse because you allow them to abuse.  They’re like Satan because, (well, I don’t have one for that but you get the point.)  The bottom line is this:  You’ve got to stand up for yourself!  You’ve got to have the confidence to say,

“Enough is enough!  You either respect me and accept me or get out of your life.  I’m not going to continue to live a life just to receive your approval.  So beginning today, we will either make changes in our relationship that we both agree to practice going forward or we will choose to end our relationship and move on. I’m coming to you, not to fight, but because I care about this relationship.  If I didn’t, I would not bother to address these feelings.  But I must be allowed to be who I am if this relationship is going to continue.  So that is why I will first ask you to work with me in making the changes I feel need to be made.”

"However, if you refuse to work with me, I will make the changes necessary to ensure my happiness and future – a future that you will be a limited part of or not part of at all.  

“Living in uncertainty, unfairness, and confusion is no benefit to either of us.  And I have lived with those feelings long enough.” 

•Relationships, even on the good days, are complicated and hard.  It’s easy to become lazy and just allow perceptions and opinions to affect our judgment of another’s life and the choices they make.  Therefore, get involved, ask questions, show interest in things they’re passionate about, and regularly communicate by using the opening phrase, “I feel…” instead of “I think…”  (For instance, everyone can relate to what it is like to feel afraid, sad, angry, happy, or nervous vs. how unique everyone’s thoughts are.) 

Thought

“I think we should not buy a new car right now.”

Feeling

“I feel afraid and nervous regarding buying a new car right now.”

*Notice how both phrases communicate the same thing but sharing your feelings (remember, people relate to feelings faster than thoughts) regarding buying a new car is easier to communicate and understand. 

     Relationships play such an important role in our life.  But left unattended and uncared for, they can become something we never intended them to be.  Therefore, take time out of each day to exercise and express thankfulness, love, as well as perform regular light maintenance with the important relationships in your life.  It’ll make you, and everyone involved, happier.   

     Most importantly though, your #1 relationship has to be with yourself!  As the saying goes, “You can’t give away something you don’t already possess.”  And if you don’t love yourself, respect yourself, encourage yourself, or believe in yourself, you will have a hard time giving those positive attributes away to others – attributes needed to sustain any long-term relationship. 

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

William James

BEING DUMB IS THE SMARTEST DECISION I’VE EVER MADE

Consider each group below:

Group #1

Want to feel smart?  Only befriend the mentally challenged.

Want to feel wealthy?  Only befriend the homeless.

Want to feel popular?  Only befriend the outcast.

Want to feel funny?  Only befriend the depressed.

Want improved vision?  Only befriend the blind.

Want improved hearing? Only befriend the deaf.

Group #2

Want to feel dumb?  Only hang out with Einstein.

Want to feel broke?  Befriend Bill Gates.

Want to feel unpopular? Offer to sign autographs at an event where your favorite celebrity is signing.

Want to feel boring? Only befriend adventure seekers and passionate people.

Want to feel blind? Compare your eyesight to an eagle.

Want to feel deaf? Compare your hearing to an owl.  

Okay, here’s the lesson.  Both groups are needed in your life.  While one group provides perspective (Group #1) the other group provides possibility (Group #2).  But the problem with most people is that they only want to experience the feelings associated with group #1, not realizing how group #2 keeps them growing.  And growing requires that we sometimes have to feel dumb, broke, unpopular, boring as well as know when to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to criticism. 

If your desire is to feel popular, rich, smart, and successful all of the time, you can easily do so by choosing to only associate with people whose talents and social status in life will always be inferior to your social status and talents. 

OR………………

If your desire is to develop yourself and take your life to a new level, be willing to play the role of the dumbest person in the room!  Be willing to let your “social status” guard down and become a student of life as well as a student of those who have reached levels you  haven't.  

People who truly live never stop learning about themselves and the world.  Nothing is more enriching than seeking knowledge today that you didn’t know yesterday – to live in wonder of the world instead of just wondering through the world! 

“Isn't it sad to go to your grave without ever wondering why you were born? Who, with such a thought, would not spring from bed, eager to resume discovering the world and rejoicing to be part of it?” -Richard Dawkins

  

“Thank you for only breaking my heart instead of ruining my life.”

     The best gift some people have ever given me is when they made the choice to end our relationship at the right time – a choice that either I didn’t have the strength to make or I didn’t have the vision at the moment to see the long-term damage that continuing the relationship was about to cause both of us.  In reflection, some of the best memories in my life were created by relationships that, even though may have ended, ended at the right time - associations that didn’t go too long so as to hold one another back or create long-term resentment, blame, or anger. 

     You know, when it comes to relationships, the fork in the road can be a scary place for all of us.  And I’ve observed that when most of us arrive at a folk in the road regarding a relationship, we become like children once again who are afraid to walk an unfamiliar path, not knowing what’s around the next bend.  But I usually notice people make one of three choices.  They take the relationship down a path it wasn’t designed to go, risking long-term resentment, unhappiness and damage to what was at one time considered a blessing.  They end the relationship but spend the next few months or years standing at the fork in the road, afraid to move on alone.  Or they allow the relationship to end and have the courage to say, “Because this relationship ended, I realize I can’t see happiness or feel it or hear it right now.  But that doesn’t mean happiness no longer exist.  It just doesn’t exist where I’m standing.  And that gives me the strength and faith needed to take a new path and find it again.”

     Sometimes, the greatest blessings in life are relationships that end at the right time.  And while the forks in the road regarding relationships can’t always be avoided, allowing this “part of life” experience to create long-term resentment, fear, and anger doesn’t have to become a part of your future. 

     As Dr. Seuss said, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...” 

    

TAKE A HIKE!!

“A large stack of limbs, stretching almost three hundred feet down the side of the road…” 

     At least that’s the way a few thousand people driving to and from their jobs each day may have described it. 

     A few weeks ago I sat on the steps of my back deck, watching a familiar scene.  The same older couple I’ve observed for a few years now was once again pruning a grove of Walnut trees located about a quarter of a mile behind my house – trees planted in straight lines and tight spaces, intended only for harvesting.  The couple’s job every few seasons is to prune the lower branches, which were now about as large as your wrist, so as to give the valuable trees more room to spread and grow. 

     While watching them cut and stack limbs neatly beside the road, I thought, “Wow, those would make some great hiking sticks!”

     Being an entrepreneur for almost eight years now, I began to realize the potential.  Here are four of the almost twenty-five possibilities I envisioned: 

1)  Make unfinished hiking sticks for kids and adults to paint at festivals, camps, daycares, or office functions.  Just look at the number of painting and wine stores popping up across the nation; stores like Uptown Art (http://www.uptownart.com).  I believe someone could take this same concept to camp grounds, daycares or summer camps and use unfinished hiking sticks as the canvas.  It would be “functional art”.

2)  Approach local campgrounds or convenient stores near campgrounds about selling your hiking sticks on consignment.  You could also approach local groups/organization about selling your hiking sticks for one of their fundraisers instead of the usual doughnuts, t-shirts, candy or car washes.

3)  Instead of using student loans to get a degree in business, sell hiking sticks and get paid while learning marketing, profit margins, inventory, customer service, sales and other “real world” business principles.  Any support you need is just a mouse-click away.  (The internet offers unlimited resources regarding running a business and great social networks such as www.48days.net.) 

4)  Not passionate about selling hiking sticks?  That’s okay.  I’m not either.  I understand that your passion may be to open a bakery, develop a landscaping business, open a painting studio, become an author or have your own accounting firm.  But why not allow opportunities that you’re not passionate about improve the skills that will aid you in areas you are passionate about?  Besides, my first business venture was candle making! (The lesson:  Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to create the life you desire.  It’s called sacrifice.)  

     If I were not currently investing my time in other projects, I may have pursued it further.  But honestly, I see these opportunities pretty often.  They’re everywhere! 

     So what became of the hiking stick business?  Who stopped and took advantage?  Who could see this opportunity as an open door or an answered prayer?

     Nobody.

     Outside of me taking a few limbs, not one person stopped. For one week, thousands of people drove by, many of them drifting back and forth to their jobs in a large industrial park, not realizing or acting on the opportunity placed in their path. 

     How can we improve our vision to see future opportunities God places in our path?  I believe it is when we apply and practice these principles – proven principles that have helped me along the way. 

•   Many opportunities have an expiration date – a use it or lose it time frame. 

•  What you get is what you see.  And our ability to see an opportunity improves greatly with a positive network of peers, experience, knowledge, and a really great attitude.  

•  Opportunities are everywhere!  Don’t become the traveler who, after becoming stranded in the desert and dying of thirst, swam across three rivers in search of water just to die a few hundred feet before reaching the well!  God-given opportunities intended to quench our thirst for personal success and fulfillment are usually closer than we think. 

     It took city workers three trips to haul the limbs away. Conservatively, I believe 2,000 hiking sticks could have been produced.  Basic math affirms that 2,000 hiking sticks at $20.00 per stick equates to $40,000 in potential sales – a missed opportunity that was literally hauled away using taxpayer money.

     As Henry David Thoreau’s once said, "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

     Are there opportunities around you that you’re not seeing? 

Go For It!

    
It started out as any other playground visit Allie and I have a tendency to take at least once a week.  Allie was running through tunnels, climbing fake mountains, and rocketing down multiple slides as I tested the limits of yet another swing clearly not made for kids my size. (I think I still have chain marks running up each side of my body.) 

     While swaying back and forth, my attention was captured by sounds coming from our town’s public pool directly across the parking lot.  It was alive with screams, splashing, and laughter.  Kids of all sizes, shapes, and colors were trying to find a break from the summer’s above average heat that had been overworking air conditioners in Middle Tennessee for almost two months straight.  

     Absorbing the noise in the distance, I closed my eyes and was taken back over two decades, finding myself face-to-face with overlooked memories from my youth – childhood memories created in a small town in Alabama.  Universal lessons about life, friendship and following your heart…

     When the final out of the little league baseball season was called around late June, the focus of my friends and I shifted to draining every ounce of fun from what seemed like an endless supply of summer days ahead.  But since many of us didn’t live within walking distance of each other (in addition to being separated by twisting country roads deemed by our “senseless parents” as too dangerous for bicycling)  the city pool, local theater, skating rink, or camping out in someone’s back yard became popular places to meet and catch up on important issues.  You know, the concerns of boys too young for girls but too old for hugs and kisses from mom – issues such as your favorite wrestler, the most recent unwrapped baseball card treasure, the new action movie, family vacation plans or someone’s new bike.

     But thanks to our logistics handicap, we became experts at coordinating travel arrangements that could only be compared to a precise military assault.  Taking factors into consideration such as a parent’s work schedule here, a mom’s hair appointment there, mix in a few church services each week, throw in the occasional birthday party and you’ve got all the ingredients needed to arrange travel anywhere in the world you desired to go!  (As long as your world was a town of only three thousand residents.)

     After plans were coordinated, one unsuspecting mom would be ambushed and tortured with tactics of begging, promises of cleaning, and uncertainties regarding a loss of cool points that had taken the entire previous school year to collect.  And these tactics continued in a melodic rhythm (more commonly known as whining), interrupted by an occasional ringing phone and a voice on the other end whispering, “Did she say she would?”  If no confirmation could be given, torture continued. 

     And it seems we always won.  (Being a parent, I now understand why...) 

     I recall the excitement of each summer’s beginning and the sadness of each summer’s end - a sadness that resonated from the pit of your stomach each time you heard the term, “back to school”.  However dreaded though, this repeating sequence ensured that younger versions from the previous year would be replaced with older, taller, and stronger versions ready to test new limits and create new adventures.

     Looking back, I’ve often pondered about the processes that took us from the kiddie pool to the high dive or the fears we had to conquer the first time we ventured from the safety of our homes to camp in the woods.  Remember how liberating it felt to progress from training wheels in our driveway to wheelies and jumping flimsy makeshift ramps in a friend’s backyard? 

     Did peer pressure concealed as double dares play a part?  I think so.  Was it healthy to accelerate mom’s gray hair or increase our chances of an emergency room visit?  Not really. 

     Why we disregarded safety and ventured towards danger is surely covered in one of my old psychology textbooks.  But that’s not important to me.  What is important to me is remembering that we all took “the plunge”.  In our own time, everyone seemed to find their way to the high dive at the city pool, the courage to camp out away from home as well as shed those training wheels.  And during this transition, there always seemed to be a lot of laughing with each other and, on occasion, at each other. 

     But, during this time in my life, I now realize something bigger was going on...  

     We were watching out for each other.  Essentially, we gave each other permission to go for it, knowing our friends had our back if that triple summersault dive from one of the local bridges didn’t go quite as planned.  

     You know, it’s funny how fast life goes by when you’re not paying attention.  It’s also hard to believe that over twenty years have passed since the last time my friends and I met up at the city pool, had a back yard campout, or took a bike riding adventure together.  Why does it seem like one minute you’re attempting to successfully complete a backwards, though your legs, upside down cannonball dive and the next minute you’re wondering what retirement plan will best suit your needs?  Why is it that one minute you’re camping in someone’s back yard, worried if the monsters from the movie you just watched with your friends would visit the tent that night and the next minute you’re confronting real monsters that go by names like tax returns, deadlines, home maintenance, gas prices, mortgages, and economic worries?  (And I know from experience, those monsters do pay you a visit.)

     I rarely see many of my childhood friends now because of the different paths we have taken as adults.  And while a few of us moved away, there are those in the group who never drifted any further than my hometown, left in charge of keeping the city pool alive, hosting back yard campouts and enjoying streets filled with children riding bikes and making memories they’ll never forget – a new generation surrounded by friends who will dare them, challenge them, and encourage each other to go for it.  

     But as the memories from those days of my youth become more distant, I’m sometimes reminded, when filled with fear and self-doubt, how much I miss having those friends to encourage me.  I often long for one of them to be standing behind me and shouting, “Don’t be a chicken!  Go for it!  I dare ya to!”

     I think we always need those people in our lives… 

     A few years back I received a phone call from someone back home who shared the heartbreaking news that one of our friends and classmates, in an act of hopelessness and depression, took his own life.  Eric was only in his mid-thirties.  I always remembered him as being one of the most daring and passionate in school, full of typical laughter and youthful mischief.  What went wrong?  What changed over the last two decades?  When did passion and laughter and back flips turn into desperation and fear and loneliness? 

     I don’t know.  Maybe after more years pass and more gray has collected in my hair I’ll figure it out.  But as far as my friend, I can only guess that the challenges of chasing dreams and confronting life ended up being a hell of a lot scarier than the high dive at the city pool.  Maybe he had been face-to-face with life’s real monsters for too long and each time he needed encouragement from his friends, we were no longer there.  Maybe we were too caught up in mortgages, juggling demanding careers or raising kids.  Maybe a phone call from one of us to say, “Want to forget life for a little while and go to the pool?” would have changed things.  I don’t know if it would have made a difference or not.

     I guess all of us have the maybe and what if moments in life that all the answers in the world cannot fix after the fact…

     My thoughts that day were interrupted by a small hand on my knee.  The journey back to hometown memories and childhood friends became second thought to Allie requesting a juice box from the cooler I had packed.  The redness in her face and the sweat filling her hair and running from her forehead told me it was time to call it a day. 

     After making sure all was packed and buckling Allie’s booster seat, I circled around the parking lot and pulled up next to the chain link fence that encompassed the pool filled with cool water, laughter, a little mischief, and innocence.  Allie gazed out of the passenger side window of my truck, watching kids jump from the diving board and splash into the water.  After about thirty seconds she looked at me and exclaimed, “I want to do that!” 

    “Don’t worry, Allie bug, you will one day.” I answered, smiling.

    I patted her on the knee as we pulled away.  Maybe the song playing on the radio was fate.  Maybe it was my friend reminding me to always encourage Allie to have friends around her that will inspire her to go for it, whatever “it” may be.  Maybe it was my friend’s way of reminding me to continue to encourage others to take chances and live their dreams because, in reality, it doesn’t matter if you live to one hundred and five or if you convince yourself there is nothing more to live for at thirty-five; it all goes by so fast.  But most important, I want to always encourage Allie to not only make lifelong friends, but to be a lifelong friend…  

     Being a “1980’s kid”, I remembered those lyrics from the song on the radio that day.  The lyrics didn’t mean much during my youth but that day, they said it all…

Don’t be discouraged,

Oh I realize, it’s hard to take courage

In a world full of people,

You can lose site of it all and the darkness inside you

Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that’s why I love you

So don’t be afraid to let them show

Your true colors are beautiful,

Like a rainbow….

True Colors

Written by Billy (William) Steinberg and Tom Kelly

1986

 

     In Essence, don’t be afraid to go for it.

     I dare you too…