I’m asked on
occasion to share my thoughts on dealing with difficult relationships,
emotionally abusive relationships, controlling relationships or those
relationships that want to keep you “boxed” into their ideas and expectations
of who you should be or what you should be doing with life.
So how do you
address those relationships without it turning into an episode of Jerry
Springer?
•The important first step is to not begin a tough discussion
while you’re emotional. This may sound
strange, but you can plan to meet and discuss it at a park, a favorite
restaurant, any place that doesn’t have sharp knives and weapons, or a secluded
location where you’re tempted to take a shovel with you and bury the evidence. Basically, pick a safe place and neutual site.
•Do not start the meeting with “Do you know why I wanted us
to meet today?” No one likes to be
surprised and everyone is going to get defensive if they feel they’re being
attacked without notice. The way that
approach always comes across is that you’ve taken all the time you need to
build your case and now expect the other person to respond within 60 seconds!
•Consider opening a channel of communication by expressing
something along the lines of, “Could you
meet me at the park next Tuesday around 4pm?
I would like to get your thoughts on our relationship as well as share
some feelings I’m struggling with that I hope you can help me with. Would you be willing to meet me?” That statement is safe, non-blaming, and
demonstrates that you do care about the relationship.
•While working in counseling, I would share that even if
you’re dating or married to the biggest jerk in the world, even if your parents
are so controlling that they treat you like a television and they're holding the
remote, constantly trying to change you to make them happy, even if siblings
have more in common with Satan than you; you’re still a part of the
problem. “What? They’re the jerks and
it’s my fault!” In some sense,
yes. They’re only jerks because you
allow them to be. They only control
because you allow them to control. They
only abuse because you allow them to abuse.
They’re like Satan because, (well, I don’t have one for that but you get
the point.) The bottom line is
this: You’ve got to stand up for
yourself! You’ve got to have the
confidence to say,
“Enough is enough! You either respect me and accept me or get
out of your life. I’m not going to
continue to live a life just to receive your approval. So beginning today, we will either make
changes in our relationship that we both agree to practice going forward or we
will choose to end our relationship and move on. I’m coming to you, not to
fight, but because I care about this relationship. If I didn’t, I would not bother to address
these feelings. But I must be allowed to
be who I am if this relationship is going to continue. So that is why I will first ask you to work
with me in making the changes I feel need to be made.”
"However, if you
refuse to work with me, I will make the changes necessary to ensure my happiness
and future – a future that you will be a limited part of or not part of at all.
“Living in uncertainty, unfairness, and confusion is no
benefit to either of us. And I have
lived with those feelings long enough.”
•Relationships, even on the good days, are complicated and
hard. It’s easy to become lazy and just
allow perceptions and opinions to affect our judgment of another’s life and the
choices they make. Therefore, get
involved, ask questions, show interest in things they’re passionate about, and regularly
communicate by using the opening phrase, “I feel…” instead of “I think…” (For instance, everyone can relate to what it
is like to feel afraid, sad, angry, happy, or nervous vs. how unique everyone’s
thoughts are.)
Thought
“I think we should not buy a new car right now.”
Feeling
“I feel afraid and nervous regarding buying a new car right now.”
*Notice how both phrases communicate
the same thing but sharing your feelings (remember, people relate to feelings
faster than thoughts) regarding buying a new car is easier to communicate and
understand.
Relationships
play such an important role in our life.
But left unattended and uncared for, they can become something we never
intended them to be. Therefore, take
time out of each day to exercise and express thankfulness, love, as well as perform
regular light maintenance with the important relationships in your life. It’ll make you, and everyone involved,
happier.
Most importantly
though, your #1 relationship has to be with yourself! As the saying goes, “You can’t give away
something you don’t already possess.”
And if you don’t love yourself, respect yourself, encourage yourself, or
believe in yourself, you will have a hard time giving those positive attributes
away to others – attributes needed to sustain any long-term relationship.
Whenever you're in
conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between
damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”
William James
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