Difficult Relationships, 5 A.M. Drug Addicts and Those Irate Walmart Customers

“We often talk to and treat others the way we talk to and treat ourselves.”

     The above statement enters my mind each time I observe irritated customers degrading an employee at our local Walmart.  Some deliver on cue, eloquently expressed profanity and rage, demonstrating this is not the first time their opinion has been expressed in public.  Others show sophistication comparable only to the sophistication involved in making Rice Krispies Treats.  And yet some demonstrate that a temper tantrum in Walmart is not just an issue I sometimes have with my three-year-old.  Forty-year-olds still have them.

     And during these times, while other bystanders may feel uncomfortable, I strangely smile as my mind rewinds to 1999 and the origin of that opening statement.    

     When most people see their alarm clock turn 5 A.M., they are relieved by the knowledge that another hour or more of sleep is available before the day begins.  But in 1999, 5 A.M. for me signified that, for the next eight hours, I would receive overdoses of criticism, profanity, tears, shouting, begging and depression.  And that was just from the other counselors at the drug rehab center I worked at!  The clients, who were typically court-ordered, delivered the real challenges.  (You know, the best part of waking up may be Folgers in your cup, but it sure isn’t a court-ordered drug addict in your office at 5 A.M.)

     Therefore, if you ever find yourself in a position of working drug rehab at 5 A.M., standing behind the person at Walmart serenading the checkout girl with insults or just have difficult relationships in your life, my observations below are for you.   

Observation Number One:  Drug addicts, in general, are not morning people. (Nothing more needs to be said about this.)

Observation Number Two:   If you think it is tough maintaining your composure with that guy at the office or your insensitive neighbor, try meeting a drug addict at 5 A.M. to discuss their “feelings”. (Their options were meeting me at 5 A.M. or prison and they usually had to think about it.)  I recollect being called names that reached so far into the depths of profanity that, after the client left, I had to look the words up to learn their meaning.  He called me a what???  Oh, that’s what that means!  Cool….

Observation Number Three:  Everyone has the right to have a bad day but the definition of “bad day” is subjective.  You believe you are having a bad day because you had a flat tire on your way to work.  And then a client shares that their drug habit began as a way to cope with the death of their child from cancer and today would have been that child’s 6th birthday.  Trust me, you forget about your flat tire.  Again, the definition of “bad day” is subjective and it is important to keep your problems in perspective.    

Observation Number Four:  When you work in a drug rehab center that opens at 5 A.M., almost every customer is bringing the heat.  How do you deal with it?  You stop thinking about how the customer is treating you and start focusing on why they are treating you that way.   That is where the solution is found.  And the best tool you have to extract this information is kindness.  Plus, the old saying does hold true:  “Nothing is personal until you decide to take it personal.”  

     After a few months passed, I concluded that the people who did not like me at 5 A.M. usually did not like themselves at 5 A.M.  People who did not respect me at 5 A.M. did not respect themselves at 5 A.M.  People who were rude to me at 5 A.M. were usually rude to themselves at 5 A.M.   But in the end what I really learned is that the time of day did not have anything to do with it.  I realized we often talk to and treat others the way we talk to and treat ourselves. And many times the best resolution I found was simply being kind to the unkind, encouraging to the discouraged, and occasionally keep my opinion to myself instead of firing it off recklessly like bullets from a six-shooter at the O.K. Corral.     

     As your personal, social, and professional relationships become more complex, it is important to remember that you may not know the silent battles faced by those around you, but God does.  He sees the big picture.  He sees what is driving someone’s anger, sadness, and depression.  He knows the root cause of why someone becomes irritated over small things.

     So when you feel like a victim and solicit God to comfort you by shooting lightning bolts from the sky at your attacker’s head, imagine God responding: “If you think the way they are treating you is bad, you should see how they treat themselves!  But I know about battles they’re fighting that you don’t.  And that’s why I sent them across your path today; for you to share your love and compassion, not your criticism and opinion.”

    I find it ironic that I made about eight dollars an hour at that job but ended up receiving a million dollar lesson in learning how to summon courtesy; even when it seemed impossible.  And those lessons learned during that time have impacted my present business and relationships more than my college degrees ever have.

     I will leave you with an important quote I often relied upon during that particular point in my life – something I hope you will take with you as a tool to help deal with your difficult relationships, 5 A.M. drug addicts, and those irate customers at Walmart. 

“Your life and your actions may be the only Bible some people read…”        

I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day...

I read a report recently suggesting that a child's desire to "want" things may not be as bad as society believes it to be.  The study revealed that when most young children expressed wanting something (i.e. a new toy, game, bike, etc...) many times, the underlying reason was to simply spend more time with a parent. So consider that the next time your child is saying, "I want, I want, I want..."  Maybe what they're really saying is, "I see this as a way to spend time with you." And while it's not healthy to give a child everything he or she wants, it's hard for a caring parent to go wrong by being too involved in his or her child's life.  So, the next time you find yourself in a store with your child "wanting" something, Try this:  Offer them the option to either A) Have the toy or B) go to the park and play with you or feed the ducks (and a possible stop for some ice-cream) 

You might be surprised by their answer. :) 

I think the poem by Edgar Guest below really ties into the discussion above as well as the importance of setting an example of love and successful living for our children and not simply using words and "preaching" how to live right.  I keep a copy of this poem and read it almost every other day to remember that Allie is being taught more by what I do than what I say... 

I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day;

I'd rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way.

The eye is a better pupil, more willing than the ear;

Fine counsel is confusing, but example is always clear,

And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds,

For to see good put into action is what everybody needs.

I can soon learn how to do it if you will let me see it done;

I can watch your hand in action, but your tongue too fast may run.

And the lectures you deliver may be very wise and true,

But I'd rather get my lesson by observing what you do.

For I may misunderstand you and the high advice you give,

But there is no misunderstanding how you act and how you live.

When I see a deed of kindness, I am eager to be kind.

When a weaker brother stumbles, and a strong man stands behind

Just to see if he can help him, then the wish grows strong in me

To become as big and thoughtful as I know that friend to be.

And all travelers can witness that the best of guides today

Is not the one who tells them, but the one who shows the way.

One good man teaches many; men believe what they behold;

One deed of kindness noted is worth forty that are told.

Who stands with men of honor learns to hold his honor dear,

For right living speaks a language which to everyone is clear.

Though an able speaker charms me with his eloquence, I say,

I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day.

     Edgar A. Guest

Food, College Football, and Cars...

Being Southern, we're always finding a way to relate most of life to about three things:  Food, College Football, and Cars… 

Consider the story below…

Your car has hundreds of parts that move and hundreds of parts that don’t move.  If you choose to, you could individually check, replace, maintain and clean every single part of your car all day long and never use your car to go anywhere.  When someone calls, you’re excuse is, “I’m too busy __________ my car.”, “I would but I’ve got too much __________ going on with my car.”, “If only I didn’t have to __________ my car, I would help you…”

 You die. 

God’s first question is, “How did you use your car and where did you go with it?”  You regrettably answer, “Nowhere.  I spent all of my time focused on maintaining the parts but never actually used it.”  God sighs and then responds, “My child, I had so many good things waiting for you if you would have just used your car to obtain those good things.  And even though the road may have had a few rough spots – even though you may have experienced some breakdowns while using your car – even though the storms of life may have forced you to pull over and ask for my guidance - even though your car may have not been spotless or impressed everybody you met; those “good things” I had waiting for you would have made your journey so much more enjoyable.  I gave you a car to use and enjoy, it wasn’t given to you as a curse or burden…”         

Let’s look at the story again.  Your “life” has hundreds of parts that move and hundreds of parts that don’t move….  Get my drift? 

Now go back and read the story again and replace the word “car” with the word “life”.   

Are you using your life or just maintaining it? 

I want your help, but I don't want your life...

Can you change the condition of a person without changing the character and identity of the person?  Can you truly give without the idea of what will come of the gift?  Have you ever considered not giving to someone in need based on a fear of what they might do with it?  (i.e. “I don’t give money to homeless people because they will just use it to buy drugs and alcohol.”)

Have you ever considered leaving a card, flowers, an amount of money or a needed care package and a note, unsigned, for a neighbor, friend and homeless person in your city or a co-worker.   The note could read something like:   

“I’m not exactly sure what you’re going through and I’m unaware of your needs at this moment in your life but I hope this small gift can help.” 

However…….    Too many of us often excuse ourselves from giving of our time, money, talents or love based on the belief, “If I only had more ___________ I could help so many people in need”.

Remember that the world is improved by the people who use the tools and resources they have and not by the tools and resources they want. 

I could write on this subject for days but an expert on the subject has already thoroughly covered this topic.  Below are His thoughts. (Actually, more like commands…) 

"For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prision, and you came to Me."

"Then the righteous will answer Him, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink?  'And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You?' 'When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?' "The King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of the brothes of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me."  - Matthew 25:35

Who is to say that the next great leader is not currently a homeless man/women walking around your city?  Just remember, Moses was a “basket case” before someone decided to improve his conditions. 

That seemed to work out pretty well for the people of Israel…” 

Your thoughts?

THE GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY

One morning, you are lying in bed (after hitting the snooze button for the third time) playing out the new day in your mind and all that needs to be completed.  Just when you’re about to close your eyes so as to delay reality five more minutes, the doorbell rings.

“Who could be at the door at this hour?”

You try to improve your appearance the best you can between the bedroom and the front door.  Peering out the small window on the front door you see an older gentleman standing.  He is well dressed and carrying a large briefcase. You open the door to inquire the reason for his visit.

“Mr. / Mrs. __________”, he states your name politely.

“Yes, can I help you?” you respond.

“No”, he states, “but maybe I can help you.  I have been told that you have a dream and spend many of your days thinking about it but never do anything about it.”

You look at him with a puzzled expression but slowly nod in agreement.

He continues…

“Well, I’m here to make you an offer.  May I come in?”

You invite the gentleman into your living room where you both take a seat.  He then presents you with the following offer.

“In this briefcase, I have a lot of money.  I am going to give this money to you to help build your dream with one stipulation.  I will be knocking on your door on this exact same day in one year.  All I will ask is that you hand me my briefcase back with the same amount of money I left you.  Between today and the next year, you can use this money any way you decide without my intervention.  When I come back for the money, I will not ask what you did with it, how well you did with it, or if you simply put it aside and never thought of it again.  It’s your choice.  Have a good day!”

The choice is now yours.  You can invest in the market, in other people, or yourself to help build your dream.  You can choose to place the money out of sight and hand the briefcase back in one year.  It’s your choice.  What would you do?

Now….. Go back to the story and replace one word.  Replace the word “Money” with the word “Time”.

Have you ever realized that you are given this opportunity everyday that you wake up?  And not only are you given this opportunity, the gift you're given (time) is many times more valuable than money. 

For the next year, the choice is yours.  Will you spend the next year investing your time in building a business, in other people, or to improve yourself?  Will you just place your days aside, always planning to begin living tomorrow and just give another year of your life away without using it?  It’s your choice.  What will you do? 

AT THE HEART OF SUCCESS, IS HOW YOU SPEND YOUR TIME

"Gas is Going Up..."

Isn’t technology amazing!  In just a few decades we have graduated from “snail-mail” and a twenty-five foot corded phone that would now be considered more dangerous than an asbestos mattress, to sharing our ideas and lives with people from Iceland to Egypt in a fraction of a second. 

Yes.  Gas is up.  CNN talks about it so much that even my neighbor's cat is aware that gas is going up. ("Who would have thunk it?") But consider this:

·   It would cost me $1157.00 in stamps to mail this “newsletter” to each person on my Facebook fan page.

·   Visualize it is 1975 (It’s okay to play some disco in the background to set the mood).  What if I called and read this newsletter to each of you in 1975.  Can you imagine the “long-distance” charges! (As well as the time it would take)

So what did sending this newsletter out to each of you cost me?  Basically nothing and about sixty seconds.  And that’s what part four of The Heart of Success is about:  Communication. 

BTW:  What did the "gas" statement above and the title of the blog have to do with this message.  Nothing really, just wanted to share that "gas is going up" . (Talking about it 24/7 seems to get people's attention and gets ratings for CNN so I thought I would give it a try.)  

How many believe the quality of communication has improved in the last twenty-five years? Do you think the quality of communication in business has increased or decreased?   Do you think the quality of communication has increased or decreased in your family or your neighborhood compared to before that “internet thing” existed?  Do you even know everyone living on your street?    

Therefore, in memory of days-gone-by - when time to “sit and chat” didn’t involve technology - when a family of four found time to talk civil to one another while sharing one bathroom and dinner wasn’t served from a box or bag, but in pots and pans – when the number of “friends” you had could be counted on one hand instead of having enough “friends” to fill a gymnasium. 

In memory of the “good ole days”, let me present some traditional pointers concerning the art of communication.  

Oh, by the way, per CNN, gas is going up...    

LISTEN WITH YOUR EYES

1) Look at the person talking to you.  Watch their behaviors and their expressions.  How often do you “listen” to someone talking to you and never look at them?  How often have you asked someone if they’re okay and after the person answers “yes”, their expression and the tears you “see” painted on their face communicates that everything is not okay. 

Do you better see the importance of looking at a person when communicating?  Your mind (and ears) can sometimes alter your perception of a message that your eyes will help clarify.  Plus, looking at someone who is speaking to you is also respectful.  

It is important to realize that a healthy "social network" requires more than a mouse and keyboard. (especially with nice weather around the corner).  FYI: You can actually go to the park and leave your smart phone in the car.  And it's not required that you update Facebook that you've "Just arrived at the park! Fun!" before entering the park.            

2) COMMUNICATION NEEDS TO BE PRACTICED EVERYDAY.  Some people approach communication like a world-class marathon runner that one day decides to practice only once a month and then wonders why he is not winning any races!  Practice communication to become better at it.  The people we consider great communicators were not born that way.  They practiced! (and still practice…)    

3)  YOUR PERCEPTIONS WILL NEVER BE 100% ACCURATE.  Have you ever been guilty of using statements like the ones listed below?  (I know I have)

“He has always been that way.”

“She will always let you down.”

“I don’t know what’s going on but I think….” 

I’ve learned that when I use statements like the ones listed above, I’m usually proven wrong 99% of the time.  Contrary to popular belief, perception is not reality.  The more facts you have the more accurate your perception is compared to reality.  Nothing really magical about it. 

Let me take a short break here to let you know that, per CNN,  "gas is going up". 

WANT TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?  FOLLOW THESE RULES CONCERNING COMMUNICATION

* If you don’t know or do not have an interest in helping, keep your mouth shut.  It’s called gossip no matter how you try to spin it or how technology changes.

* Everyone communicates in different ways and at different times.  Unless someone is in danger of harming themselves or others, give the person time to communicate in ways/time-frames that are comfortable to them.

* I don’t believe God places challenges/hardships on other families, neighbors, church members, or anyone else for our entertainment.  (Does this viewpoint make you look at “reality TV" different?)  I know at times we all laugh at our mistakes and when others make mistakes.  Sometimes I think that’s important - mainly because it keeps things in perspective. (i.e. not turning a molehill into a mountain)  But remember, developing good habits of communicating encouragement and support will really matter to the people, in your social circle, when challenges show up in their life.    

      

KEY POINT TO TAKE AWAY

  When we learn to communicate better, our way of thinking is affected.  We begin to see things through “the other person’s eyes” instead of our own.  But remember this:  God never creates people based on your perceptions of the world; He creates every human being based on His perception of the world.  And accepting people as they are is in a sense, accepting God as He is. 

You're welcome to share your thoughts, comments, and ideas.  We're a community of thinkers, so feel free to share your mind. 

Also, don't be surprised when you stop by the gas pumps in the next few days.  Per a message found in a fortune cookie I opened today (and according to CNN), gas is going up..."